Is This an Identity Crisis? I Deleted Social Media & Chopped My Hair

I deleted social media… cut my hair…and had a mental breakdown

In this episode of That Changes Things, I’m talking about what it feels like to step away from social media as a content creator and suddenly feel disconnected from the version of yourself you’re used to being.

We get into identity, social media detox, feeling lost in your 20s/30s, and what happens when you stop distracting yourself and actually sit with your thoughts.

If you’re in a weird in-between phase, outgrowing your old life, or questioning everything… this one’s for you.

🎧 Listen on Spotify & Apple Podcasts
 💌 DM me on IG @monicagbulnes , let's chat!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of That Changes Things, the podcast where we talk about little mindset shifts that can change everything. I'm your host, Monica Bolnez, and today I want to talk about the fact that I've spent the last few months pulling away from social media, and instead of feeling more clear on everything, I actually felt more lost, which I thought was crazy. So this is me in my messy middle in the middle of an identity crisis, trying to figure out who I am when I'm not consuming everyone else's life all day. And I don't have a lot of answers in this one. It's really just about being in the messy middle. If you've been feeling off or disconnected from yourself or not sure of who you are lately, I hope this episode makes you feel less alone. For the most part, I'm still actively going through what I'm going through. And that means that I don't have a bird's eye perspective. I only have the feelings and emotions that I'm sitting in and have been sitting in for a month now, maybe more. And disclaimer, same disclaimer that I gave in my last episode, that there are worse shit out there. Just don't wanna make anyone feel like what I'm going through is this really, really like devastating thing. I mean, it's devastating to me because it sucks. No one wants to go through hard times, no one wants to feel like shit, right? But to get started, I want to talk about the fact that I pulled away from social media and I stopped scrolling because I just wanted to figure out what the hell would I do with my time if I wasn't scrolling? Like if I don't shut down my computer every night and just look at a screen, what would I do? I think it was a quote that I saw actually that kick-started this whole thing. Okay, here it is. Most people's daily routine wake up, stare at a 6.7-inch screen, aka your phone, work on a 16-inch screen, right, at your computer, relax with a 55-inch screen watching TV, stare at a 6.7-inch screen again, probably scrolling before bed, and then go to sleep. This should scare the shit out of you. And I looked at that post on Instagram and I was like, oh my goodness, this is literally me. All I do all day is look at screens. What would happen if I didn't look at screens again? I kind of like was hoping it would bring me back to like 90s vibes where I actually would do shit like go outside and like I don't know, I haven't not looked at a screen when I was bored for so long that my memory of doing that is like playing with chalk and like rollerblading and getting kids on the block together to ride bikes and shit like that. So I was like, what would I do with my time if I didn't look at a screen? So I I tried it. I was like, all right, no screens, no screens then. Let's try no TV, no phone. What would I do at night? And what I found was scary but also beautiful. And I want to share it with you guys because I've been living in it for the past five months that I haven't relied on social media for entertainment. How has that impacted my life? How has it changed me? And another thing that I kind of drifted away from was making reels because this podcast has just been such a breath of fresh air for me to be able to like share my thoughts and my fears and have it resonate so much with other people. Like, all I ever wanted to do on social media was resonate with other people and find a community of like-minded individuals. And I got lost somewhere along the way because reels are really competitive, and so many people out there are making reels, and your reels will get no attention if you're not playing the game. So I felt the need to try to look the part and change my style and change the way that I talk and the shit that I say and the things that I do and all of that just it just starts to add up and you start to lose yourself in it. And I think the last couple of months have been just me feeling so fucking lost. Like in the past, I've taken breaks from social media before and been like, wow, that's actually so refreshing. But I think this time I was like, wow, I don't know who I am if I'm not trying to be everyone else. And that's fucking crazy because I know that a lot of people feel like that out there. And I'm not saying everyone needs to step away from social media. I think social media is a great tool, and I'm gonna continue to post on there and promote myself, and I think it's great for personal brands and all this stuff. So I this isn't an episode talking shit about social media whatsoever because I think it does have so many positives to it. But I think we have to be really, really careful in this day and age because it's starting to become a little bit of a problem. And the people who are behind these apps don't give a shit about how much time you spend on them and if you waste your life in it, and they also really don't care if you spend all your money just trying to keep up with everyone else constantly, trying to buy the the latest thing that makes you feel included or good about yourself. Bill Gates didn't allow his kids to use smartphones until they were 14. Tim Cook, who was the CEO of Apple until recently, wouldn't let his nephew use social media. Evan Spiegel, who's the CEO of Snapchat, limits his own screen time heavily. And the CEO of Pinterest has pushed for restricting social media for kids entirely, which makes total sense if you've been on Pinterest recently. It's literally just all full of AI. I went on there to look for Inspo for a haircut, and every girl on there is AI generated with AI generated curls, AI generated makeup. It's just so toxic. And the way that I look at it, I'm like, okay, yes, restricting for kids, I get it. But like, if you don't want your kids to do something, why the fuck are you doing it? It just feels so hypocritical. Like, as someone who's looking forward to having children, I think there's a lot of things that if I don't want my kids to do them, I shouldn't be doing them. Or if I don't want my kids to grow up around that environment, why am I in that environment? Because at the end of the day, we are sponges too, just like kids. And we absorb our surroundings too. Like we're not less susceptible because we're adults. We too are influenced by our environment. So I don't get why we would restrict kids and not think about our own usage. I actually started using Opal, which is this app that helps like block your social media and you can pick which ones you want to put in it. And I just put everything in there down to like threads. Um, X. I didn't even know I had X still. I put that in there. Uh, what else? I even put Buzz Sprout, like the analytics for the podcast. That's not something I should be checking every 24 seconds. Like, we get so caught up in trying to find validation in these numbers and in this digital age that we like forget about so much other shit that's out there. And it brought up a good question for me like, who the fuck am I? What are my hobbies? Like, I used to have all these hobbies. I used to paint, I used to crochet, I used to rollerblade, I used to do all this shit that I like stopped doing as an adult because why? Because it's time to work. Yes, I get it. It's time to work. And in this toxic work culture, that is the best thing that you could do, right? Because you gotta grind to hit Forbes 30 under 30. You gotta fucking be the first billionaire in your family. You gotta try to become a millionaire, make all this money. Like, I get it, I get it. Money is freedom. I'm not denying that, but I think we are missing a huge chunk of life and living because we're so worried about who has more followers and who has more success and more opportunities and who's being invited to more premieres or more networking of instead of just fucking taking a chill pill and allowing the the course of your life to take its shape and trust that you will have all of the things come your way that you would like in your career and you can also enjoy your life throughout the process. Okay, so I I had all this freedom in my day. I'm like, all right, cool. So I'm not using social media, I'm not looking at my phone. Lit. I'm not even posting on reels. What do I do with my time then? And I thought that would be so amazing, but it actually was so crippling. Everyone wants to fuck off. I'm sure there's someone listening out there that works like two jobs, three jobs, and you're just like so overworked, so fucking exhausted, and you just wish you could have a day to do absolutely nothing. Maybe catch up on laundry, if that. If not just like fucking rot and watch TV and do absolutely nothing, right? Isn't that what we all want? That's what you would think. But I tried it, I tried the fucking off, and oh my god, it like makes me want to poke my eyes out with little needles. Like it's actually so frustrating. It makes my skin crawl. Like, I'm just I'm a very like high-functioning anxiety. That's it. So it's like really hard for me to relax and do nothing. And I get this feeling where I just want to stare at a wall if I've done nothing for too long, and I don't want to do nothing, but I don't want to do anything. Like everything sounds like so much work and it sounds boring, honestly. It sounds like I don't fucking want to do that. It's like the less you do, the less you want to do, you know? And I just sat in that for a month, to be honest with you. Let's call it gardening. All right, I've been gardening a lot here in California. There's a lot of gardeners, and you know, you could just go and buy gardening supplies at the gardening store. It's really not that hard, right? So I'm like, okay, I'm not doing much else. And it's been a long time since I've had a gardening phase. So if I'm gonna take up any hobby that's really gonna help me cope right now during a tough time in my life, I think gardening sounds like a really fun way to get away, right? And just like go to another planet and just laugh and forget about life and its hardships and trying to find myself and all this stuff. Like I was thinking the other day, my tagline on on Instagram used to be like becoming the best version of myself. Like that was the the journey that I was on that I wanted to bring people on. And and I get it, like I get what I was trying to say with that, but I think a big part of me is like, okay, what is the best version of yourself? Because we're never fucking fully optimized, like we're not AI, we're not like robots that that can achieve full optimization. Like, no, it doesn't work that way. So, yeah, anyway, I was gardening a lot, and at first it was it was a lot of fun, and it got me through some hard times, and then I started to feel like it wasn't working, and it actually put me into a deeper hole than I wanted to be in, than I think I like deserved in this chapter of my life, and I was like, all right, I need to try something different because clearly this can only work for so long. So, case in point, gardening does not solve all of your problems, but I did try video games at the same time. Josh got really into retro gaming, he got me into my DS. I don't know if you guys remember the DS, it was like the Game Boy SP's like next iteration, I believe, or two iterations down with like the dual screens that you like flip open and had a really like sticky like click. And you could play old games like the SP games, you could play Game Boy Advanced, like Game Boy Color games. That brought me so much entertainment. Josh got the Switch too, which is the fucking bomb. And I've been playing some games on that, so that was really cool to get back into gaming because I like forgot that I was like low-key, a little like gamer when I was a kid, and um, I also had a GameCube, which I was a big fan of. I had a PS2 that I would like go hard on uh guitar hero and rock band on. So yeah, getting into gaming was like this little exciting way to like tap into my childhood again. And part of me was like, okay, so I traded screens for another screen. Like that doesn't make fucking sense. But when you think about it, would you rather be playing retro games on like a DS or a Switch or scrolling on social media and comparing yourself to every single person that you've ever met or not met on the internet and seeing all the different things that you could be doing on social media, which side note, I've also been wanting to say this we compare ourselves on social media without even realizing it. Like I used to say, I don't compare myself on social media, like it's really not that deep. Yes, you do. You don't even realize that you do, but you do. And I think the main problem is that we scroll, and in a matter of a minute, you can see someone who meal preps on the weekend, someone who organizes their closet and like cleans their home, someone who has a really bomb-ass wardrobe, someone who makes healthy, yummy food. And in that one minute, you assume that everyone around you is doing all of those things at once all the time. And they have all of those things figured out. But really, you're not realizing that the the girl that makes like healthy recipes, her closet is probably a fucking disaster. And the girl whose closet is fucking banging and has all this amazing clothes has a hard time in her relationships. Like no one has everything figured out, but social media makes you feel like everyone has everything figured out all at once, and like you need to uphold this crazy standard. And I think I just like I fell through the cracks, you know? Like I let the weight of all of it sit on my shoulders, and I just felt like I had not none of it figured out. And to feel like you have nothing figured out, it's both humbling and really fucking scary, but it also helps you figure out who you are. Because like hitting rock bottom, the only way to go is up. So yeah, I started gaming, and then more recently I had like um a mental breakdown because basically, I think I mentioned in my last episode that we are working on moving, and it hasn't been the easiest process, it hasn't gone smoothly by any means, and something really shitty happened, which I'm excited to make an episode about soon, but until then, something shitty happened, and I just hit rock bottom and I blew up, and everything felt like a mess. So I was like, how do I get myself out of this hole? I think that was the darkest day that I've had thus far. It just felt like nothing was going right, nothing's been going right for like months, and I was just sick of it. I was sick of my own shit, I was sick of life's shit. Um, so I did two things. One, I got into crocheting, and I bought my first Wobble. I don't know if you've heard of Wobbles or seen them at the store, but they're these like really cute beginner crochet kits, and it comes with like a pre-started crocheting like yarn, and you can make these really cute creatures. So I bought Joe the coffee cup, he's a beginner, and I've been crocheting, which has been really, really fun because I used to crochet as a kid. My grandma taught me how to crochet, and I used to make really cool stuff, like I would make little hats for my dolls, or I made a case for my iPod once. It's just like I'm already so excited for all the things that I want to make. So that was helpful. I also bought a sketchbook and markers, and I've had the fucking time of my life with that. I think another really cool thing that has been happening in my life and also Josh's life, which has been really cool to see, is the way that we've been able to express this identity crisis through our physical appearance and our clothing. Because I've always loved clothes since I was a kid and shopping and fashion and all that stuff, and it's a way for me to express myself. So feeling like I'm changing into a totally different person has made me feel like I need a new look. Like my clothes don't feel like me, my hair doesn't feel like me, my glasses don't feel like me. Like I just look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, girl, you look sad. No wonder you're sad. You look sad. Like I've had the same haircut for years. I've been like wanting to switch it up. And every time I go to the hairdresser, they give me the same fucking haircut, and it's not their fault because I let them. I let them. And my glasses gotta change everything. My wardrobe just everything needs like a full revamp. And I'm like into this like Western style now. I'm trying to figure out like how I can build this minimalistic wardrobe that's also capsule wardrobey, so it'll make my life easier when I travel, but it'll also have like flair and cute stuff that I like and I look at in the store online. I'm like, yo, that's so me. Like, I need that, you know. And I think it's possible to have a blend, but I think it's really hard to figure out what your style is when you're too busy, like following fashion people on social media, because then you just copy whatever they do. Like it's really cool to see other people's fashion. I love seeing other people's fashion and the way they choose to express themselves, but a lot of it isn't fashion that's for me. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't look good on my body type. Like now I'm trying to figure out okay, I I finally have realized I have broader shoulders, I have bigger hips, like I'm more hourglassy, I have a smaller waist. What's gonna look good with that? What kind of tops would I feel confident? How do I feel sexy and something, but also feel like cute and of age? Like I'm I'm 30 now, and I'm like, how do I dress like I'm 30 and stop falling into the fashion pitfalls of like Gen Z? I just keep looking at Gen Z style and I'm like, it's so cute. I love the like low rise look, I love the like the baggy jean or crop top, I don't know, whatever it is, but like it's a Gen Z style. Like it's okay that that's not what I want to dress like right now. Like I could wear it, sure, and sometimes I do. I do have low rise jeans and like crop tops and stuff, but like I also want to feel like mature, sexy, cute, you know? Like I don't want to be one of those people that like is trying so hard to be young like her whole life and not be okay with aging. You know what I mean? Like, I I love my Aritia, I love my maid well. Like, I just ordered a whole bunch of stuff from Quince. I hope it's gonna be good. Like, that's I wanna tap into like this new version of myself through my fashion, you know. I'm just trying to figure out what feels good, you know, like it's no longer about everyone else and what they think of me or what it's gonna look like online, and it's about me. It's sad that it's taken this long to get here, but I'm just happy that I'm here at all because in this day and age, with the way that social media is looking, it's not good, guys. Also, I'm in that phase where I want to chop all my hair off. You know, you just like get in like a phase and you're just like ready to fucking shed. I'm just ready to chop all my hair off. And I actually have a hair appointment tomorrow. So by the time this podcast is up and edited, I will have chopped my hair off. And I'm so hyped, and I hope it looks good. The other thing that I did is honestly, the only advice that I think I have for you, if you feel like shit, sometimes, girl, the only thing you need to do is just shower and put on clean clothes. I know that sounds like the bar is really low, but hey, sometimes the bar is low, man. And you just need to take a shower and put on some clean clothes and get out of your pajamas. Maybe put on some makeup or do your hair to like feel like a human, or just I don't know, not feel like shit and just mope on the couch all day and think about how much life sucks right now because it's not going the way that you planned. Like it just gives you a little bit of hope. You know what I mean? I hope that makes sense. I hope this whole podcast makes sense. I'm just I'm still figuring this out. I like I said, I have no bird's eye point of view on this perspective whatsoever. Cause I'm literally living in it, and I I was hesitant to make this podcast episode in the first place because I feel like when you're in this type of headspace, it can come off really negative, Nancy. And that's something that makes me want to die inside to think that I could be spewing negative energy because I hate when people spew negative energy just because they're not doing well. Um, so I never want to be that person, but I also think it's important to share your thoughts and feelings when you're in this headspace because we don't. And it makes people feel really, really lonely because we're only talking about the highlight reel. So so sue me if I'm actually being honest and saying my thoughts into a microphone. But that's the whole fucking point of this podcast. And hopefully it changes a thing or two. I know it just changed something for me because sitting down in this feeling like therapy and feeling like I'm actually being honest with you, like I have a knot in my throat, that means I fucking did my job. I haven't had a knot in my throat recording an episode since I talked about the accident and me almost dying. So this is a death and a rebirth, baby. Rebirth. I'm gonna come back with a fresh new haircut, and everything is gonna be okay. As always, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Don't forget to rate the podcast and follow along so you don't miss another episode. And I will catch you in the next one.